Laurel and Hardy!

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

If you decided to actually read this, just know that it's Sunday night and I don't have anything to do but write right now. So this is a rambler and a half. Don't say I didn't warn you. It's one of those: exploring Kathryn's mind on the spot posts.
So stuff has been happening lately that has made me question my own judgment of me a lot and I'm thinking,"Dude I don't know myself worth beans!" Do you know yourself? Gosh all the things I think I'm good at turns out I'm not that great at, then things I think I stink at lots of people say I'm good at. I always assume it's flattery but sometimes it's not. I don't know who to believe anymore! The main thing that brought on all this questioning right now is the piano. I love playing the piano. Almost to a fault. I've always thought, and had decided that I knew I wasn't that great at the piano but it was just something I enjoy. For the heck of it(well not really, I was embarrassed out of my pants, it was my mom's doing) I auditioned to be a ballet accompanist at BYU. I thought the audition went horrible! It was all sight-reading and I was nervous and the whole time I was thinking,"gosh I could do so much better!" Then at the end of the audition, the auditioner lady was giving me all this advice, and music suggestions, introducing me to people and even telling me where to clock in. I was like,"dude you're not going to hire me. What are you doing? You heard how terrible that audition was." So anyway she told me they couldn't hire anybody till fall, but to give her my availability anyway. So I did and then forgot about it, cuz there was no freaking way I'd be good enough to play as a paid pianist. Auditioning was just an experience. But then a couple days ago she emails and says,"hey we want you in the fall." And I about pooped my pants. Holy incompetency!! I was not expecting that whatsoever! I'm scared to death! Ahhhh! I can't get up at 8! I can't keep a steady tempo! I'm seriously going to die!! So yeah that really threw me off big time. I thought my audition was bad. BAD. Then I get something out of it? What?! I just don't know what to expect anymore. Especially with the piano. Every time I'd perform stuff at recitals n'stuff back in the day I'd be like,"woah! Hope no one heard all that. Yikes!" Then I'd come back to sit down and my brothers would laugh at me for being critical of my performance claiming it was flawless. But it totally wasn't! Ahhh! I just really don't know anymore. The other day when no one was home I recorded myself singing at the piano. I've always,"known," I'm a bad singer. But actually listening to myself sing I realized, "well... I'm not a tone death screaming banshee."There's lots of room for improvement there still though. Wait! What do I know? Anyway If I can't tell whether I'm doing something well or not how can I tell anything? Am I that bad at judging other people too? Guess that's why we shouldn't judge eh? You know that thingy that says the way you judge you shall be judged? Yeah well... in my opinion(which we've now discovered is quite questionable) I tend to judge other people pretty nicely. I usually give the benefit of the doubt. If someone cuts in front of me with the car I think,"oh he's just in a hurry. He's having a bad day. He wasn't paying attention." I like to believe that people are generally good. No one is born a serial killer. No one plans on murdering someone. Just tiny little events build up to a point they feel they have to take action. People have good intentions, but they're also self-interested. Things get tricky when the self-interest rubs against other people's good intentions or self-interest. Gosh this sounds like American Heritage. Yuck. But that's what I believe. Not to mention I'm strongly against the death penalty. Wait a second I'm strongly against abortion too. Is that being judgmental? Ahh! Back to my first thought. So I think I judge other people pretty openly. However I think I'm pretty hard on myself. Or so they say I am. Well... yeah I guess I am. So then does the judgment I use on myself count with that ye shall be judged thingy? Or is it just for other people? Cuz ouch! I'd never make it to the celestial kingdom. Well anyway. See what happens when I start working with books for 8 hours every day? Once I get out of that library I just burst with thoughts and marvel that there are still people left in the world to talk to after I've been in 8 hours of silent solitary confinement. But yeah come to think of it I'm hard on myself. Does that make me have bad self-esteem? I know in High school I had some major identity issues at the end of the year. Wait! Did I? Or is that just self-blame? A cover-up? Me trying to find an answer and take responsibility for something someone else did? Holy crap! What am I doing this fall! I know. Yet another example of Kathryn's judgments. Then again what is that anyway? That judgment though seemed a little different. It better have been! See? I don't know!! So really it all comes down to what do we really know? Really we all know nothing. So do you know yourself? Do you think you know yourself? Maybe you do. Maybe you're clueless like me. Who even knows? I guess we all know who knows. That's probably the only thing in life worth being sure about. Am I even sure about that? Gee I sure hope so.

"I Figured it out!"

So finally I found the J'entends video. Man that was a while ago! Yay for French Choir! But dude probably the hardest piano accompaniment I've ever played in my life. I was seriously ready to hire someone else, but I'm glad we... er... survived I guess. Good stuff. Hey I think French Choir is up again next year! Y'all should be in it...:)?!Jk I won't be so forceful this time. But hey free credit hours! You can't resist
!:P

Bleh

So Mr.Tennis skirt is back. Ugh! But at least he's started going to church again. I hope it's not cuz I'm here again. I don't understand why the only people who show somewhat of an interest in me are the people who see me looking my worst working outside or in a tennis skirt. Thankfully I haven't been offered any rides lately. I'm probably just paranoid. Eww. Me of all people has no right to be paranoid over such an issue... that's not an issue! Well maybe he'll find someone nice in the singles ward. Good luck to him. He'll need it.

Weird Dream

Well last night I had a weird dream and I wanted to write it down. I'm afraid it won't compare much to a... certain dream lol, but it was weird. I like weird dreams. They're weird. I'm weird. Your mom's weird. So anyway I can't remember everything but I think it started out back at Heritage Halls, except it was actually my cousin's house. It was New Years eve and everyone was celebrating except Krusty the clown from the Simpsons(yeah I don't really like the Simpsons what was he doing in my dream?) who was downstairs in my cousin's room planning a suicide bombing that wouldn't kill anybody except him. So he had all these clown balloon bombs set up down there and some kind of fuse system where he'd light a fuse and the other fuses would light too I guess. So he tied himself up so he couldn't chicken out and lit the first fuse thingy, but the fuse that was supposed to blow himself up(the first fuse) was a dud or something, so he was like,"dang it Jim," and decided to escape. So he runs out, suddenly I turn into him and I tell everyone to get out there's a bomb in the building. I start running out with some short guy named Josh who was apparently in band in high school with me, but I don't remember any Joshes. We ran out from the Heritage Central building across a street(it was kind of hilly like something from the Avenues up in Salt Lake) And we turned back to look at Robinson hall(which was now apparently the building we'd just ran out of). I could see my old room through one of the windows and I saw myself in there sitting on my bed. Christine was there but Dani and Jake were in there too so it must've been awkward for the me sitting on my bed. Then I started watching little memories or something through the window, I don't really remember. Something happened. Apparently it was our last night at Heritage. Then suddenly I was me again in my room. Someone was videotaping and Christine and Tikla and I were trying to fit onto the same bed and go to sleep. Then it was morning time and everyone was gone. Then Christine walked in and I started talking to her and noticed that Nikki's bed was in our room, except it had always been there and that was normal. There was some certain stuff left out on her bed that I won't go into detail about, but I thought, good for her she doesn't care anymore. Then I went into the kitchen, it was my cousin's kitchen(lol the Kitchen's kitchen) and started doing the dishes. Dani and Christine started helping me and we finished but then these CD library holds(like these little blue boxes with paper around them and people's names written on them) showed up in the dishwasher. Dani and Christine said they were Nikki's so I thought, okay I'll let her do them herself(some people at the library are really picky about you putting away their holds for them). So I started back to my room(which was my cousin's library) and then I heard Nikki talking with Tikla back in Tikla's room(which would've been my cousin's deck) so I thought, what the heck we need to get these holds out before closing anyway so I'll just do them. And there you go there's the end of my dream. Weird huh? I bet you couldn't follow it. First dream I've had with Heritage and roommates in it since I lived back at Heritage. Strange, and I think I've been working at the Orem Library too much. Holds in a dream? Weird. Anyway there it is. I forgot a bunch though so maybe it would've made more sense. G'night(it's not night, but I felt like saying g'night so deal with it).

Sweet!

I love Youtube!

I Feel Like Stomping Grapes

So I made Orange Julius as part of lunch today. My mom wanted to use straws so she said, "do you want me to go downstairs and get some straws?" Ahh! Do you want me?! When did that happen? It used to bug me all the time when my parents would say,"do you want to go out and help me pour cement?" or ,"do you want to fold socks?" I always wanted to say, "No!... I really don't," and walk away. Instead it turned into,"No, but I guess I will," unless it's my dad asking then it's,"okay, sure," no matter what. But now my parents have switched tactics and they have to use an extra amount of guilt, forcing me to have to jump in. I hate being the youngest. My parents are getting old. They act like old people... and they are old people! I can't imagine being responsible for them when they can't do things for themselves. I guess that's my next big thing to work up to. If I ever have kids, my side of the family will seem ancient compared to the other side. Do you know anyone else my age with parents in their 60's? I've only met like 2 people. Oh well it's depressing but such is life. And David Archuletta lost. He has a good attitude about it though, and it really doesn't matter cuz he's freaking amazing. They had an interview of him in the newspaper today and my mom was pretty excited about it. This is such an exciting blog huh? Well my life's pretty unexciting, unless you like working outside and job searching. Here maybe I'll put up something exciting to make this blog more interesting. Okay so it's not that exciting but for some reason it's making me laugh today. I'm posting two. I guess I must be bitter about something. I don't know. Oh well this is a strange post. I promise I'm not turning into some violent person who laughs when people get hurt. Today is just a weird day.

My First Video Post

Did it work? Je voulais utiliser J'entends Le Moulin, mais je ne pouvais pas le trouver, alors voici ma niece Emily. Sorry I felt like writing in French today for no reason. I'm sure it's all grammatically incorrect but what the heck.

Me in 100 Words or Less

I'm cleaning out my room and Look what I found! Yay! I'm going to write some stuff out for old times sake... or something like that. Actually I just want to practice my typing... no... okay I'm just posting these cuz I feel like it. Ha! I got some books about confidence at work the other day like Fight Your Fear and Win and How to say No without Feeling Guilty. Yes!! I'm pretty excited. I also got a but-load of cook books. I can finally read not-text books! Hehe! Gosh I've really liked using hehe lately. 'Ight.

"Anyone who understands me has quite an edge, because I've never even come close to understanding myself. I like to make conversation in elevators, yet I cower when expected to say, "hi," to a friend. Sometimes I walk with a limp for no apparent reason, but I love to run and play sports. I cough when I'm not sick. Occasionally my left eye turns red. I don't make sense. Your judgment of my personality might be better than mine. If you want to know the real me, I only can wish you the best of luck."


Gosh I feel old now. I'm re-organizing my room and... sniff... I think it's time to finally get rid of my stuffed animals. Sigh. But they need a home! I can't just abandon them. Anyone have any ideas? I'm desperate. And I'm worried that the ones that stay with me will make everyone else jealous. Geeze this is going to be hard.

Ps the How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty book is debatable. I don't always agree with it. It says saying no makes you generous by making yourself more available to important things, instead of being accommodating and resentful. But dude lots of things I've felt obligated to do I went through with resentment but came out with a good experience. I don't know about you but most of my good growing experiences come from bad experiences. I don't think you should always say no to something just because you don't feel like it or want to. I usually don't mind saying yes to things I'm not excited about, even if it fills up my life with other people's endeavors. Saying yes is a good thing generally and hey where would the church be if everyone said no to their callings? I guess it can get out of hand though, but still. Anyway my big problem trying to say no is when I really can't do something for someone because of a prior obligation or other real/legitimate excuse, yet I still feel terrible for denying the person and I start sounding fickle and nervous as if I really could have done something for them but I'm making up excuses. I just feel bad cuz if I were in their position I'd feel really let down(but I actually wouldn't cuz I'm Kathryn, but it would make sense to feel let down and I don't like making people sad). The same thing happens when I argue with people. That's usually why I cry. I understand the other person's point of view and then I start fighting against myself when myself also has an understandable point of view. It stinks! The pot situation would be a perfect example. I just wish there was some way I could say what I think plainly and not feel like a dork or mean boss. Anyway everyone at work probably thinks I'm emotionally unstable cuz I always get books from the emotional health section during the summer (150's btw). Weirdo! But dude that's a good section! Last summer I got What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say and it changed my life. Oh and Don't Sweat the Small Stuff is pretty good too. Ps did I use fickle right?
Pps I've decided to write at least one blog a week like I used to. Wish me luck. And I think this deep journalish blog invites a blog on empathy for next week and crying. Dude I've read too many emotional IQ books already this summer. Man this is a long post. Where did I find time to write this?... Oh yeah I need a bedtime and a job still.

WHAT?!

So I just decorated a box. What the heck! Who does that?! Wait... I know exactly who. ;) Gosh I lived with girls for way too long. But I miss them!

Deer

I am most definitely a deer. I've been thinking about it lately, and probably that's the closest animal that fits my personality next to a geni pig or a bunny. Deer are just weird. I like to imagine myself as someone fun and crazy, but really, no matter how interesting things get deep down I'm pretty quiet and demure. Did I use demure right or does it mean something else? Anyway, I don't like being a deer. I've been a deer all my life and I've tried to grow out of it. Sometimes I like to believe that I might have turned into a cat or monkey or something, but really no matter how hard I try, once things even out I start being a deer again. Deer are so weak. At the slightest sound their tail gets stuck between their legs and they run away. Deer can't ever stand up for anything. Now don't get me wrong, deer do have their moments. Sometimes their ears perk up and they jump and bound around with lots of energy. Most of the time though they're just trying to peacefully chew on their grass out in some secluded field or mountain. Deer have pretty plain social lives.Then along comes a scary lion or something and they run away (hey and I'm not the worst runner in the world either, jk :)). When will the deer ever fight back? It really stinks being a deer. Yeah deer are nice and cute, but it stinks(yeah I guess deers do smell pretty bad)! Deers don't have lives! When will they ever do something worthwhile and try out some kind of new food or something. Deer are just scared and wimpy and hopeless animals. They're peaceful, but peaceful is so dang boring!! Sigh. Well this post isn't depressing at all. Okay I'll admit I've been really grumpy today. Don't ask me why. I think I'm just sad probably. Sad and scared for summer. I seriously almost cried this morning. I've really enjoyed living here at Heritage. Sure there have been ... different moments, but altogether, I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave yet. I miss things kinda badly and well I don't know maybe I'll try to be happy. G'night.
Ps you know what? Deer can take leaps and bounds. Hymph I'm going to do it. Ppss or whatever Hey maybe there's a jack-a-lope around,"bound, bound, bound and rebound!" Dude I love that short!
PPssskskskaopiewjrqjf I forgot to mention I resemble a deer too. And my mannerisms. Wouldn't you agree? I'm a deer. Sigh. I'm okay with it though. For now I guess.

Sam's smile

SAM'S SMILE

The Fam

So I needed something to counter-act my amazingly long blog and I realized I've never posted a picture of the fam. So here's one at James's wedding. It's kind of embarrassing for me though cuz I didn't know we'd be taking pictures at this time so I'm still in my grandkid babysitting clothes. Yuck. But it's the last time we were all in the same place at once so voila.

Venting and a Half

I pick up Greg tomorrow. Holy smoking cow! Am I excited? I don't know. There's a butload of anticipation, but what if things are weird? So much has changed in two years.Wow. Just look at our house(which hasn't been finished in 17 years yes). The orchard is gone! There's a whole coldesac of houses back there. The back yard got wasted. Larsen park has walls in the middle of it. The lilac bushes are toast. There's rail road ties all over the place and there's a weird back entrance drive way. There's new shelves every where inside. Pretty much every room in the house has been re-arranged. The dishwasher is broken. There's a new laundry room. Who knows what's happened to the den. The garden has "mysteriously" moved over to the basketball court. There's a storage room underneath the deck. My favorite cherry tree is gone. So are a bunch of apple trees. There's no place to put your shoes anymore. There's storage in every bed room but the guest rooms down stairs. The garage is actually car accessible.What about me? Geeze. I don't even know. Why the heck am I living at Heritage? Since when would I ever buy myself a pink clock? Since when did I buy stuff? I have an entirely different wardrobe. I'm not afraid to wave at people I know...as much. I can make phone calls. I give hugs occasionally. I don't play any of the same piano music. I'm not afraid to say crap or that sucks. I can go places by myself. I'm in college. I never would've guessed I'd be where I am today.I don't know. Maybe I really am excited. I've missed Greg. A lot. Oh here we go with another list. I'm really into those lately. I've missed playing James Bond and laughing when I'm in a crummy mood. I've hated having to endure eating dinner with just my parents. Or going to family reunions with no one to conspire with. I miss trying to find a place to sleep while hiding from Mom in the morning and staying up late talking about life. I miss eating chips in the rain. I miss being coached by a loud Italian while I'm playing tennis. I miss sight singing at the piano. I miss sardines. I miss sleeping on the floor while Mom tries to read scriptures. I miss secret missions. I miss teaming up and dominating sports events at school and church. I miss shoveling snow and losing snowball fights. I miss teasing and ganging up on James. I miss hearing the suburban outside and racing downstairs so Mom wouldn't know we were watching TV. I miss having support when I'm helping Dad. I miss covering up for each other and creating fruit songs in the pantry. I miss making faces in the mirror while we brush teeth and trying out new hair styles. I miss sock fights. I miss all the competitiveFoosball games that would never end. I miss having to share my corn. I miss playing ali-oops and amazing catch. I miss selling cherries at the Kitchen's. I miss dressing up and acting out Mom's 50's music while we do the dishes. I miss having someone else who notices how dang slow Dad drives. I miss foot wars. I miss dead arms. I miss hiding from Grandma. I miss driving around at night, just talking or rolling down the windows and turning the bass way up. I miss fighting over who get's Mahanna during cold winter nights. I miss playing in the canal and irrigation. I miss getting dragged away from my homework to go play football. I guess I've really missed Greg. Actually I'm kind of proud of myself for surviving without him. You know I don't think I've ever really had a best friend. I haven't allowed myself to. I've had lots of close friends, but I think Greg and my dog are the only people I'd ever call my best friends. So you know what? I AM excited to see Greg again. I think I've been holding all that in for two years. Ahh it feels so nice to let it all out. I've been pretty nervous about Greg coming home, but you know what?There's nothing to worry about. He's my brother. He just better not turn into a slave immediately and he better save some time for his only little sister.
PS sorry about the picture, it's the only one I have. You gotta love Christmas mornings.

Your Mom Goes to College

Dude! I'm old!! So all the grandkids visited this Christmas. It was awesome! they're so fun! I love it when they visit. But... they're huge! Holy cow my oldest niece is in 5th grade! No possible way! How in the world did I get to be in college?(Amen. How did I make it to college with my grades?) Since when was my fiance coming home so soon?How long have there not been bumper chairs in Michael's car? Why do I get invited to old people parties and talked into dancing? When did I get de-moated from the kids table to the boring adult one for dinner? Why doesn't anyone know who Lamb Chops is anymore? When did my room turn into storage space? And I am not in relief society!! Agh!! Wow I'm a complainer and a half huh? That's kind of what I use my blog for probably. Anyway I guess I've always had a hard time coping with getting older...getting old! I hate my Birthday. I don't like standing on the scale(wait! aging is not an excuse for that! Scream! I've got some major New Years resolutions!). I read a book once about these two twins that discover this room where you can go and time slows down tons inside the room but keeps going outside of it. I shouldn't have read that book. Sometimes I think my own bedroom is like that room and time has no effect on me. Then somebody slaps me back into reality with a phone call or alarm clock or something. Geeze. Well what can you do though? Just accept it I guess. But I just accept everything! I only live my life to survive it. Does that make me a better person? Ofcourse not! Woah where is this conversation going? Is this even a conversation? I think I need more sleep. Well yeah anyway I feel old. The grandkids play with each other while us old people talk. They've replaced Greg and I. The other night I talked with my cousin. We didn't play ping-pong or sardines or anything we just sat and talked about boys...well she talked about boys. Seriously what is the world coming to? "Aunt Snugly" wants to stay snugly and not handle the responsibilities of an adult. And since when was Aunt snugly, Aunt snugly? I don't know though I need to grow up sometime. On Thursday night I started writing down my goals and things I'd like to eventually be able to do. I wrote eleven pages before I fell asleep and most of those pages were covered with adult-like behavior. I just worry that I'll lose my identity if I try to be my own age. Will the real Kathryn still be in there somewhere? I sure hope so. But who in the world is the "real Kathryn?!"Anyway I need more initiative in my life. I feel like such a huge slacker. Especially when I come home around my family. They are insane people. I wish I could be more like them. This year I was sort of stuck in the middle of everyone. The only teenager. No one knows quite what to do with me. Holy cow this post is getting way too long?(It should be it's 11:30pm and that's when I start getting creative). I should probably be safer and go start writing in my journal. Man I wish I could copy and paste this into my journal. Speaking of New Year's resolutions dude I need to be a better journal writer. My first semester of college down the drain. Now I'll never know what it was like from day to day. I think my journals are definitely going to be the next Scriptures one day and then I'll learn to tie my shoes and the shower won't sound like the heater anymore and make me late for work. Um g'night.

All Cows Eat Grass...Except the Anorexic Ones

Wow. I'm actually writing a blog! Yay! Well a lot has happened in my life since I last wrote. Now I live on campus at BYU. Yeah, don't ask me why. But it's tons of fun. It's been an awesome experience. I have outstanding roommates and I've learned so much. I'm loving it. I should probably work on getting more sleep though. Nah. Well there you go. Now I don't know what else to write. Hmm... how about some thoughts on... on... chocolate! Which is better? Chocolate? Or chocolate ice cream? Undoubtedly chocolate ice cream is better. Chocolate is great by itself, but so is ice cream. If you combine the two it's paradise. Wow! I need a life. More importantly I need a drink of chocolate milk. G'night.

Dog holding pancake

I felt like blogging again, but I couldn't think of anything to write. Cute dog. Wonder if he's actually holding the pancake? I don't like pancakes...or waffles or pretty much anything that's served for breakfast in the morning.

My Secret Passion

I'm not sure why, but I have a huge love for hunting down and swatting bugs. It's so rejuvenating! Yesterday there was this humongous fly in our kitchen. He was really annoying and I had tons of energy so I took it upon myself to be its killer(I usually let the spiders do it. I like spiders... except for black widows. They eat flies. Have you ever read Be Nice to Spiders? Holy cow! Such a good book! It will change the world.). Anyway for some reason I was determined to swat the fly while it was still in the air so I was chasing him around all over the house. So fun!! Let's just say it's amazing what a little bit of not playing tennis can do to you. Finally after my mom started getting frustrated because I was making the house shake, I decided to just get rid of him. He had innocently landed on the side of a counter. On top of the counter was a nice china bowl. Without alerting the fly, I cautiously set up my shot and slammed a perfect forehand . I whacked the fly right on the nose, but the only problem was I had added some top-spin(which I do improperly) to my swing. I brushed up with the fly-swatter and suddenly the china bowl on the counter went sailing across the room and landed in the sink. What an experience. Luckily the bowl didn't break, but it made me realize just how much I look forward to hunting down flies and other bugs. I can't wait to start going,"moth hunting," in my basement with my dog this summer(I find them and she eats them. We're a good team.). Anyway so there's my new joy. Why am I writing about this?! I really need a life.

All the world needs

Spagettios

AGGH! I've been feeling so stressed today. Why? "Stress stinks." What's the use of it? It just makes your eyebrows hurt. I'm very much against stress. I think it was invented by the communists. Is anyone else feeling stressed this week? But I discovered something today. Little kids are amazing at helping you cope with stress. I had three tests today and tomorrow I have two humongous flute thingys in Salt Lake and a piano recital straight after that. I'm surviving now, but last night I just wanted to shoot myself(not really but ya know). But today 2 of my little nieces were visiting and I got to babysit. First we watched,"Odette," then we ate,"espettios," then we made paper bag puppets and read books forever until we all fell asleep on the couch. It was so relaxing. I really can't remember the last time I had a conversation about living in the sky and not being able to get food or use the telephone. And I definitely can't remember how long it's been since I've indulged in a burping contest. Anyway I was just surprised at their power. Being a youngest child I don't always get little people to play with. They're great. They help you relax and forget things. Man I envy all you people with younger siblings! I'm sure they can be annoying sometimes(after all that's their job) but isn't the camaraderie great? Ohmigosh! That word was on a multiple choice practice test in English today! And it has communist connotations! AHH! Anyway I wish I had a younger sibling. Someone to boss around and tease and play sports with. I hate being an only child. I guess I'm just missing my fiancee again. Well, I like fudge and I'm too tired to write anything else coherent so g'night.

PS Marie Calenders