So

So I started going back to my home singles ward on Sunday. Wow. Let's just say BYU wards are really amazing. No one sits on the first four rows. No one sings. No one sits by anyone. So I decided this year I'm going to make it my goal to actually be somebody in that ward. I went to Relief Society and no one was sitting by me as usual, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and go sit by someone myself, and even strike up conversations. Hymph. I really like what that one dude said in conference or something about how he doesn't go to church for himself anymore, but for other people. I like that. I'm going to try it. I'm sick and tired of being a wimp waiting for people to come love me. I need to go love other people. So I even went to FHE tonight and participated(and got the best "I Have" when we played the "I've never" and "I have" game ( I have shot someone with a gun) the bishop was close in second saying he had worn a speedo. Yikes!) and made some new friends and talked with people not too many people ever talk to. I intend to remember names this time too. So anyway I want this whole summer to be a rebuilding summer. Not just with church people but with my old friends and anyone. The girl I want to be is a really nice person. What's stopping me from being that girl I want to be? Only me! I feel horrible when I see how people I used to know well are drifting out of my life. Just today I got an email from one of my favorite people in the world. It made me really happy to get the email, but the email sounded... I don't know sort of cliche and it made me realize, "Gosh I haven't really even talked with her for two semesters!" and she is a very important person in my life! And then I was thinking no wonder it's taking me so long to over come the dark ages of my life-- I just sit around hoping merely talking about them will get rid of them. I need to be proactive and get up and do something about it. I used to think killing people with kindness was the best option, but then I realized: I don't want to kill anyone. I just want to be a friend again. If I want to have a life I'M the one who's going to have to make it! Man I'm ridiculous. Anyway hopefully publicly writing this blog will help me commit and really get out there and be someone, help other people and prepare me for a future.
Ps why can't I make this text a different color? :(

My little Friends

I haven't posted a non-boring-writing blog in a while, but I don't have any good current pictures to post.So here are my little friends:)

Hey. I know I've just been writing a butload of junk lately. I promise I'll stick in a picture or video soon so this blog doesn't get too boring. But I was just at home cleaning my room and I found my high school graduation speech. Apparently it was good, but... well... let's just say it was high school and I had my reasons for doing certain things the way I did then. Hymph. Anyway here it is. Some stuff won't make any sense cuz they're inside jokes. I'll highlight those and explain them later if I feel like it, not that I was a big fan of them back then or something. Anyway it was a memorable speech so I'm sticking it in here. Oh and the theme was really cheesy: We may not have it altogether, but together we have it all. Lame huh? Ugh doesn't bring good memories. Oh well. I'm still happy with my life.


If we do not have it altogether, what’s the use of having it all? There’s no point in accumulating thousands upon thousands of irrelevant ideas, objects and experiences if there is no order.
As you might know, I work at the Orem Public Library. I’ve enjoyed learning from the detailed librarians and have noticed their strict attention to accuracy and perfection. They check every barcode twice, they examine each book carefully for damage and without fail, they snap at every patron who attempts to re-shelf any library item. Some may call it paranoia, but judging from experience, I believe their concerns are quite rational. The Orem Library, like most other libraries, truly has it all: books on religion, books on tape, books on hair style, even books about making chairs. It’s all there; but if it weren’t altogether and readily accessible to the public it would only be a damaged building housing a but-load of unorganized literature. That’s why just one out of place book at the library is a hazard to the community, a threat to life itself. One lost book means weeks and weeks of searching, losing valuable time that could be spent elsewhere. Not to mention the horrible mobs of people who beg for their books and scream furiously when The Mayor of Casterbridge cannot be found. To prevent these crisis, at the library we constantly strive to keep things in place, to keep things altogether.
Now my fellow bruins, we’ve gone through twelve years of public education. We’ve endured endless tests, assignments, teachers, and classes. Surely we’ve had it all. Like librarians we’ve trained ourselves to keep things in place and prioritize our activities. Do we not have it altogether?
On June 6, 1944, allies invaded Normandy France attempting to free it from its Nazi occupation. Months of hard work and organization were put into these attacks. Everything was to be carried out with precision and exactness. It was a brave undertaking. The original D-day was planed a day earlier in bad weather, but luckily General Dwight D. Eisenhower knew the importance of having it altogether. Thousands of healthy troops, tanks and planes were anxiously awaiting his orders. Eisenhower had it all, but he also knew that if he didn’t have it altogether it would make no difference. He delayed D-day one day in order to have a perfect execution of the invasion of occupied France. Because of his planning and having it altogether, D-day was the turning point of World War two.
Life can be compared to doing a puzzle: we can have every piece out of the box, ready for action, but a puzzle really isn’t a puzzle until it has all been put together. An unfinished puzzle is like a shoeless pariah, preventing the progression of society, piling up like excess sewage. Let us not leave all of the pieces of our lives lying around on a table. We already have all the pieces, why not have them altogether? There is really no logic in having a life full of un-finished goals. However, I don’t think this reasoning is applicable to us today. Look where we stand now, about to graduate from Mountain View High School. Something has obviously come together.
According to our theme, we MAY NOT have it altogether. I completely disagree. How could James Bond’s class of 007 not have it altogether? We’ve done it all. We’ve prepared and organized ourselves for the future. We DO have it altogether; therefore, we have it all.

Look What I found!

So I was looking for a good essay I had written to submit somewhere, but instead I found this narrative. Remember? This was one of my better papers in that class. It really shows a part of my life :)

Kathryn Larsen
Sister Harris
Honors 150 Sec. 19
October 3, 2007

GRANDMA

Grudgingly I swallowed the pancakes my mom had concocted for breakfast. I never really liked pancakes. They’d constantly get caught in my throat and make my stomach squirm. In spite of the pancakes, I was determined to have a good day. It was the fourth of July, the day our nation celebrates independence from tyranny. But my family had not yet recognized the absence of tyranny. That Saturday morning while all of our neighbors were sleeping in, planning barbecues, and going to parades, my family would be outside drenched in sweat.
After surviving breakfast, we stepped into our work shoes. My shoes were always the cleanest. Everyone else had worn out, filthy shoes that smelled like grass. I was anxious to get my shoes dirtier, so I could feel like a harder worker. I’m the slacker in my family. As the youngest, I was always an incapable child. I never beat anyone at sports, I couldn’t read fast, and I wasn’t strong enough to push the lawn mower. The only task I had mastered was setting the table. It was a hopeless endeavor to try and out do my older siblings. They’d had an edge on me from the start. But on that day of Independence, things were going to be different. I had been promoted to the office of cherry picker. Even though I despised cherries, I planned to work hard and prove myself as a dedicated, obedient family member. To show my determination, I was wearing my work tee-shirt. Its torn sleeves and yellow stains didn’t bother me because the shirt bore my mission statement: “I believe in Mom, I believe in Dad.” If I could show Mom and Dad I was good at something, it didn’t matter how much better my older brothers and sister were.

“Look out Katie!” I turned my head just in time to be hit smack in the face by a giant dirt clod. “Sorry!” It was my teasing older brother James. He’s the one in our family who can either be really funny, or really annoying depending what mood you’re in.
“Sure you are,” I mumbled under my breath as I instinctively picked up my own dirt clod and hurled it back in his direction. I missed. I could never win dirt clod fights. It’s tough being a girl with six older brothers. You got to learn how to defend yourself and fight back. Especially during times of dirt clod wars which almost always accompanied travels up to Grandma‘s house. Our backyard connected with hers so it wasn’t a long trip, but for a nervous six-year-old like myself, it was quite a journey. I held my breath as we crossed the big flat bridge over the canal that ran through our yard. Everyone made sure to avoid stepping on the four loose boards so that the bridge wouldn’t unhinge and send us all sprawling into the water. Birds chirped in our tall cotton wood trees and the warm cloudy weather was perfect for morning time cherry picking. Today was the day. I could feel it.
When we reached our destination, the silver glint of a metal ladder shown through the orchard trees. We were surprised to be informed that we were, “late,” and my seventy-five year old grandmother had already been out for over an hour acquiring bushels of cherries. Alarmed, we rushed to her aide with haste. It is always hard to find a way to help out my grandma. She grew up during the Great Depression on a farm in Southern Utah. She spends more time working in her yard then she does eating, sleeping, or anything else that a normal human being is expected to do. Sometimes I wondered if she ever washed her clothes because they always omitted the smell of insecticide. To be frank, I‘ve never met anyone with a more insane work ethic. Normally when you work with Grandma, any kind of talking, giggling or other form of enjoyment is prohibited. Today was no different. Immediately we began working without the slightest signs of communication or joviality.
I started on the short branches closest to the ground. Having short legs, they held the only cherries I could reach. From my perspective, I was doing an exceptional job. I had almost picked an entire bucket. My mom even complimented me on my hard work so I knew I was being a good little helper. But then, it all changed. Apparently I was doing something wrong. Something terribly wrong. Something against my grandmother’s religion. The hair on my neck flew up as I heard her shrill voice behind me,
“No, no that’s not how you pick cherries.” I was devastated. How else was I supposed to pick cherries? I had gotten them off the tree hadn’t I? I had even left on the stems just like everyone else! Now they were all staring at me with annoyance. My closet brother Greg chuckled rudely and James gave me eyes that seemed to say,“ you’re in for it.” How could she ruin the reputation I had put so much effort into building?! I had begun my cherry picking and fitting in quite well as a hard worker. Without delay my grandma was standing by my side. She was so short I could’ve reached out and touched the top of her head, which wasn’t a common occurrence between me and most grown ups.
“Stop pulling them off the trees! You’re doing everything wrong! You need to turn them.” So I attempted to turn the cherries as I picked them. I was an obedient six year old. I knew that if you didn’t do exactly what Grandma said, you might as well have been chewing tobacco with no place to spit.
“You’re still doing it wrong, you’re going to pull down the entire tree.” Oh my gosh! Just relax Grandma! Before I could try and pick another cherry, she had wrapped her hand awkwardly around mine, twisting my hand painfully as she directed it towards the tiny fruits on the tree. We picked all the cherries reachable from the ground in that fashion. How embarrassing! When she finally let go of my aching hand I thought we had finished. But things only got worse. Suddenly Grandma pulled out my greatest terror: a giant metal ladder. I had very little ladder experience at the time and I was in no mood to gain any. But there was never any arguing with Grandma. She set up the huge ladder insecurely against a tree and commanded me to climb up it. I was so terrified I almost wet my pants. As I started my way up the ladder, I noticed my mom’s apprehensive glances. She knew how frightened I was of climbing things. I had never even seen the attic at my house, because I was too scared to climb up to it. Swallowing, I began my ascension up the ladder. When I reached the middle step I decided I had gone far enough. The ladder was already swaying slightly as I reached for the high up cherries.
“You’re not high enough, go higher,” Grandma said from below me. My legs trembled as I slowly moved up two more steps. By now the ladder shook violently with the slightest shift of my weight.
“Uh, Grandma I’m going to fall,” I muttered, fearful that the ladder would collapse if I talked too loud.
“ You have to go higher.” But I couldn’t. One step up was the top step. You
should never stand on the top step of a ladder. “what‘s taking you so long,” Grandma called up with her nasally old lady voice. I hefted up my right leg cautiously and placed it on the top step. Phew. I had made it. Then I lifted my left leg. The ladder jolted back and forth for an agonizing instant, but then regained its balance as I held my body erect. I stood there in awe for a few seconds, marveling at what I had just accomplished. Then I realized I was supposed to be picking cherries. I stretched out my arm to the closest bunch. Leaning delicately, I extended like a buff ballerina. Just as I was about to, “twist,” a cherry out of the tree, there was an abrasive sound of scraping metal. Before I could realize what was going on, I found myself face down in a vivacious pile of thorny bushes. I couldn’t move. I thought for sure I had died. Then someone started to lift me up. It was my oldest brother Michael. The bushes yanked at my clothes as he pulled me out. My pants had ripped. There were leaves and thorns all through my hair and I needed to cry. But I couldn’t. Not in front of Grandma. I felt miserable. Before I could make it over to Mom, Grandma was back standing next to me. She had already set the ladder back up against the tree again, and she didn’t even ask if I was all right. I looked over at my family huddled together under the orchard trees. They all stared at my injuries with understanding. Something told me it was going to be my turn to pick what was for breakfast tomorrow. Like a true Larsen, I started up to the top of the ladder and picked cherries for two more hours.

The Stalker Story

On Saturday I went running and came home and this guy stopped me in the hall and asked, "can I look at your ward directory?" and I'm like"....uh...no?..uh sure?..." So I was like,"just tell me who you need to look up." and he wouldn't, so I said,"I don't know how comfortable I feel giving this out to a complete stranger." And he threw out this story about how he'd apparently gone on a quadruple date and there was some farm girl he really liked that he wanted to ask out and how she was "the happiest person he'd ever met." And I'm like,"dude just tell me who she is and I can help you out." and he said something like"if I tell you who she is and things don't turn out the way I'd like, then you'd be able to say you knew something about it." So I let him look in our address book. I'm such an IDIOT!! What would you have done? He didn't look like a creeper. He talked well and seemed like a genuinely nice guy. So he looked through the book and started writing stuff down and I was just waiting for him to leave, but he kept asking me questions. Like you know how on job applications there's that question that asks "have you ever committed a felony besides a traffic violation?" and he asked me "how would you answer that if you'd been sited for jaywalking?" And I'm like,"that's kind of a weird question. Is this a survey or something?" and he just kept talking. He said he wanted to surprise this girl at church and by now I was a little weirded out. So he asked me when our church was. All I said was it was in the MARB at 9. That's all. There's a kathousand wards that meet in the MARB at nine. In fact he was like "is there a periodic table on the left wall?" and I said,"yeah I think so." There's not. "so you must be in 445." And I'm like."sure I don't know." We're not in 445. So he keeps talking and asking me for advice for what he should do with this girl and I'm just waiting for him to leave. He asked if I had any roommates and I said I had three and acted like they were home, even though I was all by myself. I shouldn't have even let the guy in... in fact I didn't. I closed the door most of the way while I went to get the directory and he just walked in. Anyway so finally he leaves. I'm telling my roommates this story later and one of them said she saw him in our garage running down the stairs two at a time and he looked kind of lost. So we all thought, he was just looking for this girl. Here's where it gets creepy. So we all go to church the next day and we're sitting in sacrament meeting and my roommate asks if I'd seen the "jaywalker." And I was like,"nope" and then I look around a little harder and I'm like"wait..." and this guy was just sitting there by the wall by himself. He wasn't singing any of the hymns. He was just watching everyone. Then he stays sitting there through choir practice. Some guys went over to talk to him and he just kind of had his head down. Then apparently he followed everyone home from choir and was talking with these guys. That's all I knew at the time and I went home to watch Evan's 1st Birthday party on Skype with the fam. Then when I came back I learned that this guy had gone to the guy's side of our building asking for address books and writing down girls numbers there too. He hadn't told them anything about a girl like he'd told me. Apparently he'd talked with our executive secretary and told him he was from Sandy and needed a ride back there, but the other executive secretary that was there with them only saw and heard them talking and never heard a car start, so we're not sure yet whether he actually left Provo. The pieces should get filled in tonight. Somehow they set an interview up with him and our bishop and afterword the bishop sent guys around to all apartments warning us to keep our doors locked and be aware of "that guy in church today." They reported him to the police and apparently there's been a bunch of suspicious stalker activity in our area. AHHH!! Isn't that creepy? I've been making people walk me everywhere today. I'm so freaked out. I look around to make sure no one's following me or watching me at work. Apparently today was a bad day to make sure people weren't looking at me at work... cuz they were. Eww. and my boss made this totally awkward comment as usual. I was shelf reading and he comes by and was first like. "there's the tall girl." Cuz I was on a stool. Then he looks back at me and says"you know Kathryn as you get older, you get prettier." And I'm just like,"um... thanks? Roger." Ewww. Anyway. I'm pretty darn scared. That guy knows what I look like, where I live, probably knows my cell phone number. AHHH!! If he's a good stalker he'll wait a while until we're all least suspecting it and then.... AHHHH!!! I'm going to pee my pants. That guy was here! In my kitchen! Talking to me!! AAAHhh!!

Trying to say something

Sometimes I wish I could just express my own opinions. It seems like lots of the time the only way I can get something out of me is when someone is cynically presenting the opposing argument, so I'll say something but there's a but load of junk backing it up that I just can't put into words properly. I was just trying to write a paper about Social Darwinism and I went from person to person asking their opinions, trying to get "ideas" for my paper. Then I realized,"well dude! What's my opinion? Can't I have a say in this too? This is MY paper after all!"Contrary to popular belief... or what I like people to think, I actually do have opinions on a lot of things and pretty strong ones too. I just don't always feel comfortable sharing them and when I try to communicate lots of the time I start worrying about getting judged or I'll judge my own poor speaking skills and wallow in a butload of inhibiting insecurity and fear. What a tragedy to myself and those around me and all the unexpressed feelings I have. Another thing is when I do express them... the way I think... it's just... I have an underlying idea in my head and then I talk through things presenting possible solutions to something, but my underlying idea is still there and the answer even though I acknowledge a bunch of other ones. I often think out loud or while I'm arguing with someone and I sound like a schizophrenic. Sort of like the way I talk about gospel stuff sometimes. Yeah I know it's true, but not everyone in the world does and not everyone in the world is a bad person for having different ideas than me. Wow. This is an incoherent blog again. See what I mean? I'm not understandable so why express myself? Maybe one of these days I'll find someone who can really understand me and how I think.

Flexibility

So I was trying to do some of my HEPE homework today and they said that flexibility allows you to reach things on higher shelves and look behind you while you're driving. And I thought it would be fun to act like I believed that tall people were more evolved because they don't need to learn to be flexible and can reach things in high places. So I mentioned this to my roommate Jenilyn and she asked me if giraffes were the most advanced and started talking about giraffes getting drinks and I got a really funny picture in my head. Maybe giraffes are really vulnerable when they get drinks but I still think they are the most advanced. And this picture was inspiring.
Ps and think how much baby giraffes have to go through to survive being dropped so far at birth. Survival of the fittest I tell you. :)

:)

Since God is,"no respecter of persons," it is safe to assume that the blessings we receive in our time are equivalent to those received in ancient times. However, in our day, with the sophistication of science, it seems that many of our blessings often go unacknowledged and credit is given to man instead of God. Somehow we have forgotten who created us and where all true knowledge comes from. Even during the times of apostasy when improvements in technology and understanding were at an all time low, accomplishments and learning still coincided with religion. It is also interesting to note how the events and ideas that developed during this time of uncertainty contributed and prepared the world to later receive the fullness of the gospel. In ancient times new information and insight was almost considered a miracle, but today with the frequency of new ideas, little is recognized as being from God.
While reading Truth and Science another interesting thing to note is the gratitude given by ancient peoples to the Lord. They would build elaborate temples and shrines worshiping him for his presence and bounteous blessings in their lives. Kings like Nebuchadnezzar would set aside their power and position to thank God for his blessings. Even the idol worshipers had the idea that some kind of god was responsible for their successes in life. Today it is becoming more and more difficult to find people who will put full trust in the knowledge that all his or her inspiration comes from the Lord. It seems that we strive for independence in society today. We don't need a God in our lives to learn new things and develop new viewpoints. We survive on our own and learn from individual experiences that we create ourselves.
What a tragedy that the most knowledgeable and loving being in the universe is slowly being pushed out of our lives. No wonder teachers complain about not getting paid enough; the best one rarely gets any credit. The blessings the Lord has poured out among his children have not changed and they never will, for God is unchanging, but the humility and meekness of his people is always subject to transformation.

Accompanist Ramblings

So I guess I have a love hate relationship with the piano. Well... it's mostly love, but sometimes it can be a little stressful. Take today for example. Joanna calls me up and says she wants me to accompany someone at her big Christmas party thinger. Some professional singer. That's just a little intimidating non? But that's okay. Then one of her friends calls me up and apparently I'm accompanying him too. Alright. So we decided to have a practice today(the day before the party and I haven't ever seen any music. Great.).I go just expecting to play one song for each of them. Next thing I know I'm sitting at the piano in the Lieutenant governor's house with six pieces to sight read and have ready by tomorrow. Baahh!! I guess they just must've liked my sight reading so they kept piling them on me. But no one ever seems to realize that my sight reading and my performing are totally different. I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow. Geeze though. Not that I care that much, cuz sometimes it's more exciting, but dude! I'm a little concerned. I think it'll be okay, but dude this is supposed to be a crazy 47$ per ticket party. People are expecting real entertainment. Yikes! Can't they find a real accompanist? I like that I can play the piano occasionally but holy smokes incompetent pianst! I'm just a willing accompanist and I enjoy doing stuff like this, but I know full well there are plenty of crazy amazing perfection pianist out there to choose from. Just like at my ward Christmas party the other night. I was supposed to play for a clarinet trio... sight reading again on the spot. That would've been alright, but then the trio backed off at the last second and canceled. They still wanted me to play though so they had me sight read the clarinet accompaniment while the whole ward sang Christmas songs. Sometimes the ward would sing something totally different from the accompaniment so I'd have to just improv. Now there are some crazy good pianists in my ward so it was really intimidating. And of course there's the mother of all my accompaniment stories that being the Ballet class I played for this last semester. That was the thing that stressed me out most this semester. Yeah I don't think I need to write how sad that is. But hey their fault for hiring me. We'll see if they decide to keep me next semester or not. Did you know that guy that plays for the BYU auditioned choirs is a ballet accompanist? Talk about intimidating and a half! Phew. Anyway so yeah we'll see what happens tomorrow. It's bad enough that I'll be sitting next to some creeper guy my age and probably end up having to dance with him. Now this. Gosh it'll be nice to be over. All I can say is that it will be some more good experience to gain. But dude when will I ever stop just getting experience? I guess that's what this life is about. Thanks for listening to my piano woes. I like piano a lot. I'm named after a pianist. Playing the piano is like living up to myself. But holy cow I'd like to think I have the right to be the humblest pianist in the world. Dude! Wish me luck tomorrow.
Ps one good thing about piano: Yesterday I was thinking,"My kids definitely have to have piano lessons. Oh gosh piano lessons are expensive sometimes. Dang! Wait! I can give piano lessons! Ta da!" It was a happy moment. See the piano isn't so bad after all:)
PPSS want another inspiring conversation I had with myself? So I was in the shower the other day and my self said," Kathryn, you really need to serve a mission."
Me: Yeah I think you're probably right. You know what? I'm going to serve a mission. Thanks self.
A while later.
Self: You know you should start preparing for that don't you think?
Me: Uh... Yeah.... Umm... Doesn't this shampoo smell great?

List Yourself

I like my List Yourself book. I'm going to try some out on a blog cuz they're so fun! Here we go. Now you'll know how vain I am.

ANIMALS THAT SCARE ME
-Snakes!
-Mice
-Ferrets
-Magpies
-Earwigs
-Hawks
-Skunks
-Porcupines
-Muskrats
-Hedgehogs sometimes;- Goffers

NAMES BEEN CALLED
-Kathryn, Katie, Kate, Kat, Kathy, Kathleen-o-roon, Katy-lu, Lindsey, Catalina, Katie-bug, Kat-ryn, Taffrin, Aunt Snugly, Joanna, Mahanna, Kaa, Kath, Crazy Kathryn (CK), Lay-up Queen, Professional, Pumpkin, Kitty, Little-K, Miss Larsen, Kathleen, Skin'n Bones, Kate the Great, Rebecca/Becky, accompanist, Katrina, stick, sunshine, Kitty-Kat, Elmo Girl, Klutch, Bethesda, Deltapapalina, Communist Pig, Dude/dudette, You with the head/hair, Kathryn the Great, Kristen, Dear, Moo-a, Larsen, Greg's little sister,

IF I WEREN'T SO AFRAID I'D...
-Sing. Loud. Everything
-Talk to people
-Wear tanktops in public
-Dance
-Smile at boys
-Look people in the eyes
-Say everything I want
-Tell people I love them
-Buy more things at the store
-Perform in front of people
-Dive
-Wear make-up
-Flirt
-Wear tall shoes
-Laugh
-Not hesitate so much
-Skip everywhere
-Travel
-Tell "boy jokes"
-Stand up for myself
-Boss people around a little bit

JOBS I'VE HAD
-Babysitter
-Fruit picking and selling
-Deseret News Paper Deliverer
-Orem Public Library Page
-Piano teacher
-Harold B. Lee Library Shelver
-Ballet Accompanist

COMPLIMENTS I RECEIVE ON A REGULAR BASIS.. OR HAVE JUST RECEIVE I've thought a lot about this one obviously. See did I not warn you about vanity?
-like your shoes
-You look cute today
-You're a very hard worker-Roger
-You smell nice
-I need to remember to be more like you-Camilla
-You're so nice to everybody
-You're the most self-less person I've ever known-My foot
-You'd be quite the catch-Dani
-You'll never have to worry about your weight
-You're going to make some man really happy
-You always find everything-Mom
-You're hilarious
-Shes so cute- Communist pigs... especially relief society communist pigs
-You're so fit-Christine
-You're good at the piano
-You're beautiful
-You've got defined arms-Greg
-You have a strong arm
-You're like a sister to me
-You can't say anything mean about anybody
-You have so much energy all the time
-You're always so happy
-You're amazing/awesome
-You're so weird-Nikki
-She's so sweet-Bleh
-You are a wonderful girl. You present yourself very well.-Bishop Dort
-You know who's got some guns on her? Kathryn-Lisa Evans
-Where do you get all your energy?-Ben Ford
-You're enthusiasm makes me feel happy-Rebecca Johnson
-You're a professional-Dang I've forgotten the name of my old tennis league coach!
-Good accompanist. Follows well.-Judging sheet
-You're always so nice to me-BreeAnne
-You're really good at tennis
-You're such a good roommate-bleh
-She can throw a football 40 yards-Nic LeChemenaght

THINGS THAT MAKE ME CRY
-Pretty much nothing... but...
-Feeling small and insignificant
-Feeling bossy
-Arguing
-Not being able to love
-Halocaustesque things
-Feeling misunderstood or betrayed
-Losing trust
-Not having a direction in life
-Abused children
-Really ignorant people who hurt others without noticing or caring
-Being fearful instead of faithful about certain decisions...
-"Some Things Are Ment to Be" from Little Women
WHAT I LIKE TO DO WHEN I'M ALONE
-Clean
-Perfect difficult things on the piano
-Sing
-Cook
-Talk to myself
-Day dream
-Look through scrapbooks and yearbooks
-Make faces in the mirror
-Drive
-Listen to music
-Organize
-Write
-Cry
-Practice talking-read the newspaper out loud
-Run
-Shoot hoops
-Read... in the hammock that used to be under the cherry and apple trees with a Popsicle
-Chomp loud on cereal and carrots
-Build sand castles
-Shave my legs
-Do nails
-Water the front yard
- Write notes
-Talk on the phone
-Try new food
-Weed
-Watch old movies
-Carve walking sticks
-Play video games
-Dance
-Talk with accents
-Play tennis against the garage
-Rake leaves
-Mow the lawn
-Collect snails
-Hum
-Vacuum
-Talk to my stuffed animals

Wow that was a lot. I get carried away so easily with this. It's so fun! Y'all should try it!

Thoughts for the day

Wow

Well I'm at home right now. Yeah home home... Orem. I should probably be studying for my big midterms next week and finishing all my French homework, but hey why not write a blog instead:) Speaking of French. Dude that's a pretty vigorous class this year. Before every class we have to read these 10-16 page papers in French about French literature. But it's actually kind of interesting. Like a French Humanities class. Sure there's lots of writing and reading comprehension but I think I actually have time for it this semester. I'm not taking nearly as many credit hours as I have in the past, but I'm still on campus a bunch... mostly working I guess. Work. Work is going okay I guess. The library isn't half as bad when you don't have a supervisor glaring down your throat all the time. Joanna was right about moving up on ladders. But the library is still the library. You know not as efficient as it could be and extremely dull--the typical library ramblings still exist(Ps did I tell you they told us to start taking books off the shelves randomly so the new shelvers would have more to shelve? Gosh! At least the shelving system we've devised on our floor doesn't allow us to have to deal with that "problem"). Anyway at least I get paid more. That's nice. I've also started being a ballet accompanist. Woah beans! Yeah. I feel way too incompetent for that. I stink, but hey they hired me. Too bad for them. It's a really good experience for me though. It can be stressful at times, but I'm learning a ton and I love sight reading. But pretty much ballet encompasses all my weaknesses on the piano, so all I can do is try my best. It's fantastic. Oh and I finally quit the Orem Library. :( I'll miss it. So will my retirement account. It was growing well. :) I could've planned my death by cancer a couple years earlier. Good old OPL. Sigh. Oh but I got a card from them in the mail today. It was really sweet. You know how sometimes you get the cards that are just like,"HAGS!"And you're like,"dude why d'you even write?" But this card actually had stuff in it worthwhile you know. People actually knew me. That was surprising. Well I guess I had been working there for... 3 1/2 years? Plus a butload of volunteering before that. They better have known me:) Jk. I'm looking forward to the free Saturdays though. Wait why am I telling you all this? I think someone forgot to write in her journal. Oh wait! Now I remember what I was going to write. I just realized that tonight will be the first night I've stayed overnight at my house by myself since I moved to Southridge. Weird eh? I'm probably not going to be home as often since I don't have the Orem library excuse anymore. Maybe I'll even start paying to do laundry. It's just strange. I'm almost turning into a real college student. Tonight I realized all I do when I come home is raid the refrigerator and do my laundry. But it's my house! Weird. Sometimes I almost feel like a guest. Everything changes. I still haven't gone upstairs to my room yet since... the beginning of last month? Geeze now I'm worrying what is in there. I better go check. Actually I'm just falling asleep so G'night. Wait it's Conference Weekend! Yay! Dude I could use a butload of inspiration. I'm pumped. G'night.Ps highlight of my day today: Tennis! Tennis! Tennis!:) Finalment! 'night 'night.

:)

I want to be irreplaceable 

Laurel and Hardy!

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

If you decided to actually read this, just know that it's Sunday night and I don't have anything to do but write right now. So this is a rambler and a half. Don't say I didn't warn you. It's one of those: exploring Kathryn's mind on the spot posts.
So stuff has been happening lately that has made me question my own judgment of me a lot and I'm thinking,"Dude I don't know myself worth beans!" Do you know yourself? Gosh all the things I think I'm good at turns out I'm not that great at, then things I think I stink at lots of people say I'm good at. I always assume it's flattery but sometimes it's not. I don't know who to believe anymore! The main thing that brought on all this questioning right now is the piano. I love playing the piano. Almost to a fault. I've always thought, and had decided that I knew I wasn't that great at the piano but it was just something I enjoy. For the heck of it(well not really, I was embarrassed out of my pants, it was my mom's doing) I auditioned to be a ballet accompanist at BYU. I thought the audition went horrible! It was all sight-reading and I was nervous and the whole time I was thinking,"gosh I could do so much better!" Then at the end of the audition, the auditioner lady was giving me all this advice, and music suggestions, introducing me to people and even telling me where to clock in. I was like,"dude you're not going to hire me. What are you doing? You heard how terrible that audition was." So anyway she told me they couldn't hire anybody till fall, but to give her my availability anyway. So I did and then forgot about it, cuz there was no freaking way I'd be good enough to play as a paid pianist. Auditioning was just an experience. But then a couple days ago she emails and says,"hey we want you in the fall." And I about pooped my pants. Holy incompetency!! I was not expecting that whatsoever! I'm scared to death! Ahhhh! I can't get up at 8! I can't keep a steady tempo! I'm seriously going to die!! So yeah that really threw me off big time. I thought my audition was bad. BAD. Then I get something out of it? What?! I just don't know what to expect anymore. Especially with the piano. Every time I'd perform stuff at recitals n'stuff back in the day I'd be like,"woah! Hope no one heard all that. Yikes!" Then I'd come back to sit down and my brothers would laugh at me for being critical of my performance claiming it was flawless. But it totally wasn't! Ahhh! I just really don't know anymore. The other day when no one was home I recorded myself singing at the piano. I've always,"known," I'm a bad singer. But actually listening to myself sing I realized, "well... I'm not a tone death screaming banshee."There's lots of room for improvement there still though. Wait! What do I know? Anyway If I can't tell whether I'm doing something well or not how can I tell anything? Am I that bad at judging other people too? Guess that's why we shouldn't judge eh? You know that thingy that says the way you judge you shall be judged? Yeah well... in my opinion(which we've now discovered is quite questionable) I tend to judge other people pretty nicely. I usually give the benefit of the doubt. If someone cuts in front of me with the car I think,"oh he's just in a hurry. He's having a bad day. He wasn't paying attention." I like to believe that people are generally good. No one is born a serial killer. No one plans on murdering someone. Just tiny little events build up to a point they feel they have to take action. People have good intentions, but they're also self-interested. Things get tricky when the self-interest rubs against other people's good intentions or self-interest. Gosh this sounds like American Heritage. Yuck. But that's what I believe. Not to mention I'm strongly against the death penalty. Wait a second I'm strongly against abortion too. Is that being judgmental? Ahh! Back to my first thought. So I think I judge other people pretty openly. However I think I'm pretty hard on myself. Or so they say I am. Well... yeah I guess I am. So then does the judgment I use on myself count with that ye shall be judged thingy? Or is it just for other people? Cuz ouch! I'd never make it to the celestial kingdom. Well anyway. See what happens when I start working with books for 8 hours every day? Once I get out of that library I just burst with thoughts and marvel that there are still people left in the world to talk to after I've been in 8 hours of silent solitary confinement. But yeah come to think of it I'm hard on myself. Does that make me have bad self-esteem? I know in High school I had some major identity issues at the end of the year. Wait! Did I? Or is that just self-blame? A cover-up? Me trying to find an answer and take responsibility for something someone else did? Holy crap! What am I doing this fall! I know. Yet another example of Kathryn's judgments. Then again what is that anyway? That judgment though seemed a little different. It better have been! See? I don't know!! So really it all comes down to what do we really know? Really we all know nothing. So do you know yourself? Do you think you know yourself? Maybe you do. Maybe you're clueless like me. Who even knows? I guess we all know who knows. That's probably the only thing in life worth being sure about. Am I even sure about that? Gee I sure hope so.

"I Figured it out!"

So finally I found the J'entends video. Man that was a while ago! Yay for French Choir! But dude probably the hardest piano accompaniment I've ever played in my life. I was seriously ready to hire someone else, but I'm glad we... er... survived I guess. Good stuff. Hey I think French Choir is up again next year! Y'all should be in it...:)?!Jk I won't be so forceful this time. But hey free credit hours! You can't resist
!:P

Bleh

So Mr.Tennis skirt is back. Ugh! But at least he's started going to church again. I hope it's not cuz I'm here again. I don't understand why the only people who show somewhat of an interest in me are the people who see me looking my worst working outside or in a tennis skirt. Thankfully I haven't been offered any rides lately. I'm probably just paranoid. Eww. Me of all people has no right to be paranoid over such an issue... that's not an issue! Well maybe he'll find someone nice in the singles ward. Good luck to him. He'll need it.

Weird Dream

Well last night I had a weird dream and I wanted to write it down. I'm afraid it won't compare much to a... certain dream lol, but it was weird. I like weird dreams. They're weird. I'm weird. Your mom's weird. So anyway I can't remember everything but I think it started out back at Heritage Halls, except it was actually my cousin's house. It was New Years eve and everyone was celebrating except Krusty the clown from the Simpsons(yeah I don't really like the Simpsons what was he doing in my dream?) who was downstairs in my cousin's room planning a suicide bombing that wouldn't kill anybody except him. So he had all these clown balloon bombs set up down there and some kind of fuse system where he'd light a fuse and the other fuses would light too I guess. So he tied himself up so he couldn't chicken out and lit the first fuse thingy, but the fuse that was supposed to blow himself up(the first fuse) was a dud or something, so he was like,"dang it Jim," and decided to escape. So he runs out, suddenly I turn into him and I tell everyone to get out there's a bomb in the building. I start running out with some short guy named Josh who was apparently in band in high school with me, but I don't remember any Joshes. We ran out from the Heritage Central building across a street(it was kind of hilly like something from the Avenues up in Salt Lake) And we turned back to look at Robinson hall(which was now apparently the building we'd just ran out of). I could see my old room through one of the windows and I saw myself in there sitting on my bed. Christine was there but Dani and Jake were in there too so it must've been awkward for the me sitting on my bed. Then I started watching little memories or something through the window, I don't really remember. Something happened. Apparently it was our last night at Heritage. Then suddenly I was me again in my room. Someone was videotaping and Christine and Tikla and I were trying to fit onto the same bed and go to sleep. Then it was morning time and everyone was gone. Then Christine walked in and I started talking to her and noticed that Nikki's bed was in our room, except it had always been there and that was normal. There was some certain stuff left out on her bed that I won't go into detail about, but I thought, good for her she doesn't care anymore. Then I went into the kitchen, it was my cousin's kitchen(lol the Kitchen's kitchen) and started doing the dishes. Dani and Christine started helping me and we finished but then these CD library holds(like these little blue boxes with paper around them and people's names written on them) showed up in the dishwasher. Dani and Christine said they were Nikki's so I thought, okay I'll let her do them herself(some people at the library are really picky about you putting away their holds for them). So I started back to my room(which was my cousin's library) and then I heard Nikki talking with Tikla back in Tikla's room(which would've been my cousin's deck) so I thought, what the heck we need to get these holds out before closing anyway so I'll just do them. And there you go there's the end of my dream. Weird huh? I bet you couldn't follow it. First dream I've had with Heritage and roommates in it since I lived back at Heritage. Strange, and I think I've been working at the Orem Library too much. Holds in a dream? Weird. Anyway there it is. I forgot a bunch though so maybe it would've made more sense. G'night(it's not night, but I felt like saying g'night so deal with it).