How Well Do You Know Yourself?

If you decided to actually read this, just know that it's Sunday night and I don't have anything to do but write right now. So this is a rambler and a half. Don't say I didn't warn you. It's one of those: exploring Kathryn's mind on the spot posts.
So stuff has been happening lately that has made me question my own judgment of me a lot and I'm thinking,"Dude I don't know myself worth beans!" Do you know yourself? Gosh all the things I think I'm good at turns out I'm not that great at, then things I think I stink at lots of people say I'm good at. I always assume it's flattery but sometimes it's not. I don't know who to believe anymore! The main thing that brought on all this questioning right now is the piano. I love playing the piano. Almost to a fault. I've always thought, and had decided that I knew I wasn't that great at the piano but it was just something I enjoy. For the heck of it(well not really, I was embarrassed out of my pants, it was my mom's doing) I auditioned to be a ballet accompanist at BYU. I thought the audition went horrible! It was all sight-reading and I was nervous and the whole time I was thinking,"gosh I could do so much better!" Then at the end of the audition, the auditioner lady was giving me all this advice, and music suggestions, introducing me to people and even telling me where to clock in. I was like,"dude you're not going to hire me. What are you doing? You heard how terrible that audition was." So anyway she told me they couldn't hire anybody till fall, but to give her my availability anyway. So I did and then forgot about it, cuz there was no freaking way I'd be good enough to play as a paid pianist. Auditioning was just an experience. But then a couple days ago she emails and says,"hey we want you in the fall." And I about pooped my pants. Holy incompetency!! I was not expecting that whatsoever! I'm scared to death! Ahhhh! I can't get up at 8! I can't keep a steady tempo! I'm seriously going to die!! So yeah that really threw me off big time. I thought my audition was bad. BAD. Then I get something out of it? What?! I just don't know what to expect anymore. Especially with the piano. Every time I'd perform stuff at recitals n'stuff back in the day I'd be like,"woah! Hope no one heard all that. Yikes!" Then I'd come back to sit down and my brothers would laugh at me for being critical of my performance claiming it was flawless. But it totally wasn't! Ahhh! I just really don't know anymore. The other day when no one was home I recorded myself singing at the piano. I've always,"known," I'm a bad singer. But actually listening to myself sing I realized, "well... I'm not a tone death screaming banshee."There's lots of room for improvement there still though. Wait! What do I know? Anyway If I can't tell whether I'm doing something well or not how can I tell anything? Am I that bad at judging other people too? Guess that's why we shouldn't judge eh? You know that thingy that says the way you judge you shall be judged? Yeah well... in my opinion(which we've now discovered is quite questionable) I tend to judge other people pretty nicely. I usually give the benefit of the doubt. If someone cuts in front of me with the car I think,"oh he's just in a hurry. He's having a bad day. He wasn't paying attention." I like to believe that people are generally good. No one is born a serial killer. No one plans on murdering someone. Just tiny little events build up to a point they feel they have to take action. People have good intentions, but they're also self-interested. Things get tricky when the self-interest rubs against other people's good intentions or self-interest. Gosh this sounds like American Heritage. Yuck. But that's what I believe. Not to mention I'm strongly against the death penalty. Wait a second I'm strongly against abortion too. Is that being judgmental? Ahh! Back to my first thought. So I think I judge other people pretty openly. However I think I'm pretty hard on myself. Or so they say I am. Well... yeah I guess I am. So then does the judgment I use on myself count with that ye shall be judged thingy? Or is it just for other people? Cuz ouch! I'd never make it to the celestial kingdom. Well anyway. See what happens when I start working with books for 8 hours every day? Once I get out of that library I just burst with thoughts and marvel that there are still people left in the world to talk to after I've been in 8 hours of silent solitary confinement. But yeah come to think of it I'm hard on myself. Does that make me have bad self-esteem? I know in High school I had some major identity issues at the end of the year. Wait! Did I? Or is that just self-blame? A cover-up? Me trying to find an answer and take responsibility for something someone else did? Holy crap! What am I doing this fall! I know. Yet another example of Kathryn's judgments. Then again what is that anyway? That judgment though seemed a little different. It better have been! See? I don't know!! So really it all comes down to what do we really know? Really we all know nothing. So do you know yourself? Do you think you know yourself? Maybe you do. Maybe you're clueless like me. Who even knows? I guess we all know who knows. That's probably the only thing in life worth being sure about. Am I even sure about that? Gee I sure hope so.

"I Figured it out!"

So finally I found the J'entends video. Man that was a while ago! Yay for French Choir! But dude probably the hardest piano accompaniment I've ever played in my life. I was seriously ready to hire someone else, but I'm glad we... er... survived I guess. Good stuff. Hey I think French Choir is up again next year! Y'all should be in it...:)?!Jk I won't be so forceful this time. But hey free credit hours! You can't resist
!:P

Bleh

So Mr.Tennis skirt is back. Ugh! But at least he's started going to church again. I hope it's not cuz I'm here again. I don't understand why the only people who show somewhat of an interest in me are the people who see me looking my worst working outside or in a tennis skirt. Thankfully I haven't been offered any rides lately. I'm probably just paranoid. Eww. Me of all people has no right to be paranoid over such an issue... that's not an issue! Well maybe he'll find someone nice in the singles ward. Good luck to him. He'll need it.

Weird Dream

Well last night I had a weird dream and I wanted to write it down. I'm afraid it won't compare much to a... certain dream lol, but it was weird. I like weird dreams. They're weird. I'm weird. Your mom's weird. So anyway I can't remember everything but I think it started out back at Heritage Halls, except it was actually my cousin's house. It was New Years eve and everyone was celebrating except Krusty the clown from the Simpsons(yeah I don't really like the Simpsons what was he doing in my dream?) who was downstairs in my cousin's room planning a suicide bombing that wouldn't kill anybody except him. So he had all these clown balloon bombs set up down there and some kind of fuse system where he'd light a fuse and the other fuses would light too I guess. So he tied himself up so he couldn't chicken out and lit the first fuse thingy, but the fuse that was supposed to blow himself up(the first fuse) was a dud or something, so he was like,"dang it Jim," and decided to escape. So he runs out, suddenly I turn into him and I tell everyone to get out there's a bomb in the building. I start running out with some short guy named Josh who was apparently in band in high school with me, but I don't remember any Joshes. We ran out from the Heritage Central building across a street(it was kind of hilly like something from the Avenues up in Salt Lake) And we turned back to look at Robinson hall(which was now apparently the building we'd just ran out of). I could see my old room through one of the windows and I saw myself in there sitting on my bed. Christine was there but Dani and Jake were in there too so it must've been awkward for the me sitting on my bed. Then I started watching little memories or something through the window, I don't really remember. Something happened. Apparently it was our last night at Heritage. Then suddenly I was me again in my room. Someone was videotaping and Christine and Tikla and I were trying to fit onto the same bed and go to sleep. Then it was morning time and everyone was gone. Then Christine walked in and I started talking to her and noticed that Nikki's bed was in our room, except it had always been there and that was normal. There was some certain stuff left out on her bed that I won't go into detail about, but I thought, good for her she doesn't care anymore. Then I went into the kitchen, it was my cousin's kitchen(lol the Kitchen's kitchen) and started doing the dishes. Dani and Christine started helping me and we finished but then these CD library holds(like these little blue boxes with paper around them and people's names written on them) showed up in the dishwasher. Dani and Christine said they were Nikki's so I thought, okay I'll let her do them herself(some people at the library are really picky about you putting away their holds for them). So I started back to my room(which was my cousin's library) and then I heard Nikki talking with Tikla back in Tikla's room(which would've been my cousin's deck) so I thought, what the heck we need to get these holds out before closing anyway so I'll just do them. And there you go there's the end of my dream. Weird huh? I bet you couldn't follow it. First dream I've had with Heritage and roommates in it since I lived back at Heritage. Strange, and I think I've been working at the Orem Library too much. Holds in a dream? Weird. Anyway there it is. I forgot a bunch though so maybe it would've made more sense. G'night(it's not night, but I felt like saying g'night so deal with it).