If you decided to actually read this, just know that it's Sunday night and I don't have anything to do but write right now. So this is a rambler and a half. Don't say I didn't warn you. It's one of those: exploring Kathryn's mind on the spot posts.
So stuff has been happening lately that has made me question my own judgment of me a lot and I'm thinking,"Dude I don't know myself worth beans!" Do you know yourself? Gosh all the things I think I'm good at turns out I'm not that great at, then things I think I stink at lots of people say I'm good at. I always assume it's flattery but sometimes it's not. I don't know who to believe anymore! The main thing that brought on all this questioning right now is the piano. I love playing the piano. Almost to a fault. I've always thought, and had decided that I knew I wasn't that great at the piano but it was just something I enjoy. For the heck of it(well not really, I was embarrassed out of my pants, it was my mom's doing) I auditioned to be a ballet accompanist at BYU. I thought the audition went horrible! It was all sight-reading and I was nervous and the whole time I was thinking,"gosh I could do so much better!" Then at the end of the audition, the auditioner lady was giving me all this advice, and music suggestions, introducing me to people and even telling me where to clock in. I was like,"dude you're not going to hire me. What are you doing? You heard how terrible that audition was." So anyway she told me they couldn't hire anybody till fall, but to give her my availability anyway. So I did and then forgot about it, cuz there was no freaking way I'd be good enough to play as a paid pianist. Auditioning was just an experience. But then a couple days ago she emails and says,"hey we want you in the fall." And I about pooped my pants. Holy incompetency!! I was not expecting that whatsoever! I'm scared to death! Ahhhh! I can't get up at 8! I can't keep a steady tempo! I'm seriously going to die!! So yeah that really threw me off big time. I thought my audition was bad. BAD. Then I get something out of it? What?! I just don't know what to expect anymore. Especially with the piano. Every time I'd perform stuff at recitals n'stuff back in the day I'd be like,"woah! Hope no one heard all that. Yikes!" Then I'd come back to sit down and my brothers would laugh at me for being critical of my performance claiming it was flawless. But it totally wasn't! Ahhh! I just really don't know anymore. The other day when no one was home I recorded myself singing at the piano. I've always,"known," I'm a bad singer. But actually listening to myself sing I realized, "well... I'm not a tone death screaming banshee."There's lots of room for improvement there still though. Wait! What do I know? Anyway If I can't tell whether I'm doing something well or not how can I tell anything? Am I that bad at judging other people too? Guess that's why we shouldn't judge eh? You know that thingy that says the way you judge you shall be judged? Yeah well... in my opinion(which we've now discovered is quite questionable) I tend to judge other people pretty nicely. I usually give the benefit of the doubt. If someone cuts in front of me with the car I think,"oh he's just in a hurry. He's having a bad day. He wasn't paying attention." I like to believe that people are generally good. No one is born a serial killer. No one plans on murdering someone. Just tiny little events build up to a point they feel they have to take action. People have good intentions, but they're also self-interested. Things get tricky when the self-interest rubs against other people's good intentions or self-interest. Gosh this sounds like American Heritage. Yuck. But that's what I believe. Not to mention I'm strongly against the death penalty. Wait a second I'm strongly against abortion too. Is that being judgmental? Ahh! Back to my first thought. So I think I judge other people pretty openly. However I think I'm pretty hard on myself. Or so they say I am. Well... yeah I guess I am. So then does the judgment I use on myself count with that ye shall be judged thingy? Or is it just for other people? Cuz ouch! I'd never make it to the celestial kingdom. Well anyway. See what happens when I start working with books for 8 hours every day? Once I get out of that library I just burst with thoughts and marvel that there are still people left in the world to talk to after I've been in 8 hours of silent solitary confinement. But yeah come to think of it I'm hard on myself. Does that make me have bad self-esteem? I know in High school I had some major identity issues at the end of the year. Wait! Did I? Or is that just self-blame? A cover-up? Me trying to find an answer and take responsibility for something someone else did? Holy crap! What am I doing this fall! I know. Yet another example of Kathryn's judgments. Then again what is that anyway? That judgment though seemed a little different. It better have been! See? I don't know!! So really it all comes down to what do we really know? Really we all know nothing. So do you know yourself? Do you think you know yourself? Maybe you do. Maybe you're clueless like me. Who even knows? I guess we all know who knows. That's probably the only thing in life worth being sure about. Am I even sure about that? Gee I sure hope so.
So stuff has been happening lately that has made me question my own judgment of me a lot and I'm thinking,"Dude I don't know myself worth beans!" Do you know yourself? Gosh all the things I think I'm good at turns out I'm not that great at, then things I think I stink at lots of people say I'm good at. I always assume it's flattery but sometimes it's not. I don't know who to believe anymore! The main thing that brought on all this questioning right now is the piano. I love playing the piano. Almost to a fault. I've always thought, and had decided that I knew I wasn't that great at the piano but it was just something I enjoy. For the heck of it(well not really, I was embarrassed out of my pants, it was my mom's doing) I auditioned to be a ballet accompanist at BYU. I thought the audition went horrible! It was all sight-reading and I was nervous and the whole time I was thinking,"gosh I could do so much better!" Then at the end of the audition, the auditioner lady was giving me all this advice, and music suggestions, introducing me to people and even telling me where to clock in. I was like,"dude you're not going to hire me. What are you doing? You heard how terrible that audition was." So anyway she told me they couldn't hire anybody till fall, but to give her my availability anyway. So I did and then forgot about it, cuz there was no freaking way I'd be good enough to play as a paid pianist. Auditioning was just an experience. But then a couple days ago she emails and says,"hey we want you in the fall." And I about pooped my pants. Holy incompetency!! I was not expecting that whatsoever! I'm scared to death! Ahhhh! I can't get up at 8! I can't keep a steady tempo! I'm seriously going to die!! So yeah that really threw me off big time. I thought my audition was bad. BAD. Then I get something out of it? What?! I just don't know what to expect anymore. Especially with the piano. Every time I'd perform stuff at recitals n'stuff back in the day I'd be like,"woah! Hope no one heard all that. Yikes!" Then I'd come back to sit down and my brothers would laugh at me for being critical of my performance claiming it was flawless. But it totally wasn't! Ahhh! I just really don't know anymore. The other day when no one was home I recorded myself singing at the piano. I've always,"known," I'm a bad singer. But actually listening to myself sing I realized, "well... I'm not a tone death screaming banshee."There's lots of room for improvement there still though. Wait! What do I know? Anyway If I can't tell whether I'm doing something well or not how can I tell anything? Am I that bad at judging other people too? Guess that's why we shouldn't judge eh? You know that thingy that says the way you judge you shall be judged? Yeah well... in my opinion(which we've now discovered is quite questionable) I tend to judge other people pretty nicely. I usually give the benefit of the doubt. If someone cuts in front of me with the car I think,"oh he's just in a hurry. He's having a bad day. He wasn't paying attention." I like to believe that people are generally good. No one is born a serial killer. No one plans on murdering someone. Just tiny little events build up to a point they feel they have to take action. People have good intentions, but they're also self-interested. Things get tricky when the self-interest rubs against other people's good intentions or self-interest. Gosh this sounds like American Heritage. Yuck. But that's what I believe. Not to mention I'm strongly against the death penalty. Wait a second I'm strongly against abortion too. Is that being judgmental? Ahh! Back to my first thought. So I think I judge other people pretty openly. However I think I'm pretty hard on myself. Or so they say I am. Well... yeah I guess I am. So then does the judgment I use on myself count with that ye shall be judged thingy? Or is it just for other people? Cuz ouch! I'd never make it to the celestial kingdom. Well anyway. See what happens when I start working with books for 8 hours every day? Once I get out of that library I just burst with thoughts and marvel that there are still people left in the world to talk to after I've been in 8 hours of silent solitary confinement. But yeah come to think of it I'm hard on myself. Does that make me have bad self-esteem? I know in High school I had some major identity issues at the end of the year. Wait! Did I? Or is that just self-blame? A cover-up? Me trying to find an answer and take responsibility for something someone else did? Holy crap! What am I doing this fall! I know. Yet another example of Kathryn's judgments. Then again what is that anyway? That judgment though seemed a little different. It better have been! See? I don't know!! So really it all comes down to what do we really know? Really we all know nothing. So do you know yourself? Do you think you know yourself? Maybe you do. Maybe you're clueless like me. Who even knows? I guess we all know who knows. That's probably the only thing in life worth being sure about. Am I even sure about that? Gee I sure hope so.
2 comments:
Sorry I didn't want you to know who this is so that you might actually take my advice. Here's a challenge: Make a list of what you think your top 50 strengths are. You don't have to do it in one sitting, and you can ask other people what they think, but in the end it's up to you. Afterward I think you will know yourself a little better, especially if you pray about it. Heavenly Father knows you better than anyone. Just an idea.
You know I have this Thoery, so many people are blind to the things they do in their life, good and bad. And I totally agree with the other person who wrote.
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