Slumping

It's slumping. My summer ambition to be someone is slumping. We had a campfire mathinger for FHE last Monday. I went-that's good. But I drove up there in the same car as a bunch of people from my homeward and that was a problem I guess cuz I just started acting like the shy homeward Kathryn again. Ugh. I guess the homeward Kathryn has improved a little but take like dancing or talking normally in the car- nope. I was just the quiet person as usual. Only speak when spoken to. BORING! Sometimes I feel like the way people treat me makes me act certain ways, but that's no excuse! I'm ultimately in control of my behavior. It's frustrating though when I want to break through that layer of dirt and be me and I don't know it just doesn't happen all the time. Then we played Ultimate Frisbee and I just didn't have the desire to run and be someone in the game although I easily could've. I saw a person on campus the other day and you know what I went right up to her and said Hi and chatted for a while, but it was still kind of formal awkward chatiness. Today was the worst though. There was a ward pool party. I went and had a hamburger and talked with a girl for a while but then when she left I kind of just shrank into the background. I just floated around the pool listening to other people's conversations. Not that I didn't attempt to strike up conversations with anybody, they were all just bland. Greg's right the 19th ward is pretty clicky. But I don't care I'm determined to break through them. But ugh. I'm slumping. I'm wondering if my motivation in that ward is starting to fall on the wrong things. I need a new plan of action. Look at what's becoming of my weekends? Sigh. I better do something tonight. That means I need to go finish working outside. Did you know I've pretty much been outside since 12:30 today? That's not fun. Only problem is I actually wore sunblock today. Darn it! It worked! I was hoping it would at least make me tan a little. Oh well.